Pornography is Not on My Resume

So, when I first started exploring the world of self-publishing stories electronically, I came across a couple of mentions of how lucrative erotica was. Okay, makes sense. After all, isn't it porn that's moving a lot of our technology forward? Okay, I thought. I can write a dirty story. I'm filthy-minded anyway and I think sex is lots and lots of fun. So I sat down to write a naughty little tale.

And after that first day of writing, I went back to my regularly scheduled torture of fairy tale characters.

That story start has been languising on my hard drive for weeks.

Seriously.

I looked at it once since I wrote it, thought, Yeah, I need to finish that, and went back to writing Fairy Tale Afters.

In a way I'm kinda of disappointed. I sort of wanted to have the word "Pornographer" on my resume. But I'm only disappointed because I like the humor value of calling myself a Pornographer. Think about it -- you're at a dinner party or some other soiree, and someone makes polite interested conversation with you. You might ask them, "So, Mr. Smith, what do you do?" And Mr. Smith might tell you that he's a banker or a doctor or a freelance synchronized swimmer. "And you?" he'll ask, out of reciprocal politeness, or perhaps real interest.

"Oh, I'm a pornographer," you'd reply.

He might be too polite to spit-take because you (of course) timed yourself for when he was taking a sip of his drink because -- come on, who doesn't do that?

"I beg your pardon -- I think I misheard you. Did you say . . . Pornographer?"

And you'd give him a smile -- whether a vulpine grin or a demure one, your choice, and add, "Why yes, your hearing's perfect Mr. Smith; I did say pornographer. It's one of the few industries with stable economic growth, and a great deal of flexibility as well, so I can spend more time with my children."

And of course, Mr. Smith will look you over carefully, trying to figure out where you fit into porn. The naughty boy.

Sadly, such a conversation will never be one I will have, because my dirty little story will most likely remain unfinished. But I think I'm quite all right with that.

Of course, I could lie about being a pornographer, but one should never lie on one's resume.

Sondheim is my Patron Saint, and Thalia my Muse

I'm a funny person. It's not even a matter of thinking I'm funny -- I know I'm funny. I have a great sense of humor. I won't go so far as to say I'm a master of comedic timing (I'm not!) but previous to my career as an old lady, I was a theatre major. I've done comedies. Neil Simon especially. I'm also fond of Shakespeare. Shaw. Moliere. Granted, I've never performed Shakespeare or Shaw or Moliere, even back in high school, but we did our share of comedies. Our drama teacher had a penchant for them.

I started out trying to write a comic piece, after "The Grieving Mermaid" and "Ashes", which were quite dark. And concurrently writing "Worn Soles," which is still percolating along on the hard drive. Since "Soles" was going to be so dark -- again! -- I thought I'd try countering it all with a bit of light comedy. Something about 5,000 words long and funny. Joke's on me, thank you Thalia. That little comic short has hit 8,000 words and no end in sight. I can barely see the half-way mark. And it's got funny bits, but it isn't a comedy. What the hell happened?

And another thing too: I started writing the Fairy Tale Afters as a way to explore what happened after the "happily-ever-after-THE-END!" in fairy tales. Instead, what started out as a passage of backstory has swelled, uncontrollably, to pre-story, and I'm now edging into during-story. What happened to after-story?

I blame my characters. They talk too much. Because it really isn't my fault. Honest. The bastards.

So right now, I'm faced with the choice of:
      (1) stopping what I'm doing and starting all over again,
      (2) finishing what I've got and lopping off huge chunks of it to try to make it a short funny, or
      (3) finishing what I've got and THEN starting all over again.

That last option seems most likely, because I'm kind of fond of the characters and the situation, and I kind of want to see what they'll do. But then I'll have two stories, on nearly the same subject matter and quite possibly the same characters.

This is the part where I cuss and cuss and cuss.

Yeah, comedy tonight, baby.

Smashwords Learning Experiences

Things I have learned when uploading my book to Smashwords

*It's really pretty easy. Just follow their little guide on formatting, and that's a piece of cake -- but then, I'm not putting in all sorts of pictures and diagrams and lists and weird formats . . .

*That little blurb they ask you for? it's shapeless. My blurb that I created for Grieving Mermaid depends on a sense of visual timing that occurs with the proper formatting, as follows:

Once upon a time, a little mermaid fell in love with a landsman prince. Through great trials and tribulations, she traded her voice for legs and went forth to make the prince fall in love with her.


She died.


And her family misses her very much. So much, in fact, that they're willing to make their own dark deal for her life.


A short story of what takes place after the fairy tale.


However, even when entered as above with the lovely little line breaks, the whole text gets compressed into a single little paragraph. Had I known this, I would have altered my blurb.

*Also on the blurb: 400 characters. I didn't know that beforehand. Now I do, and can anticipate for it.

*Again, on the blurb: I recall reading somewhere that the front page is a great place to put a little summary so that people who've bought your book but haven't read it yet can recall what it's about. After all, it isn't as if you can flip the durn thing over and read the back. As a matter of fact, this is frequently done in YA books printed for an American audience: if you look at the copyright page of a YA book, you may find a section on The Library of Congress. In that section, there's a Summary of the book, and I think they tend to be one sentence long? Anyway, I have a copy of Sabriel by Garth Nix close to hand (highly recommended if you haven't read it) and its summary states: "Sabriel, daughter of the Necromancer Abhorsen, must journey into the mysterious and magical Old Kingdom to rescue her father from the Land of the Dead." Succinct, no? and accurate. Just a little refinement to consider.

I'll certainly be keeping all this in mind when I do it all over again later this month!

Cinderella, Dressed in Moolah

I subscribe to far, far too many blogs/websites/timesuckers in my RSS feed. Sometime I cull them; most of the time I lose time in them. Some of them are what I call "industry-specific" -- blogs I read because they're pertinent to writing and publishing. Some of them are blogs that feed particular areas of interest for me, feeding my soul, so to speak. And then there's kottke, which linked post featured a nifty little video, Vonnegut on the shape of stories.

I loved that last little bit, where he's illustrating that third story type, which we all know and recognize as Cinderella. How many different cultures have a Cinderella story? I remember watching Saturday morning cartoons, and one of those shows that adapts children's books into a TV episode (or two) had one based on a Chinese Cinderella. I remember being very amazed that there was a Chinese version of Cinderella, and thought it was way too cool, and I think that was my first introduction to how related we all are through stories (yes, I have Campbell on my shelf, two feet from me, in my "to-read" pile). But I digress. What I thought was interesting was where Vonnegut says, at one point, it'll make you a million bucks.

He's right. Look at Harry Potter. If that isn't something of a Cinderella story . . . .

Think about it. Kid loses his parents, is orphaned, and ends up a virutal slave to the family he does end up with. Granted, the Dursleys aren't a stepfamily, but I don't think that really mattered to poor Harry, not while he's scrubbing the floor. Granted, he wasn't sleeping in a bed of cinders, but I don't think the Aga has one of those, so off to the cupboard with you.

I suppose I could go on and point out all the corollaries between Harry Potter and Cinderella, but except for pointing out Hagrid as Fairy Godmother (can anyone else see Hagrid singing, "Bippity-Bobbity Boo"?), that's probably not necessary. But I will point out how Ms. Rowling did make a gajillion bucks with that little Cinderella story of hers. So when I watched that Vonnegut video and thought about Rowling and Cinderella, I wondered if I should make a go of writing a Cinderella story. Except I already wrote one, and it's not so much a Cinderella story as it is a story about what happened after the events of "Cinderella". Honestly, I don't think I have an honest-to-goodness Cinderella story in me, so I'll have to make do with "Ashes", which will be out soon.

(Okay, and you know what should have been in the NEWT level exams? transforming mice into thestrals. That would have been awesome.)

Titles

Titles are kind of hard. Sometimes they come up easily, and I don't have to give it a second thought. Then there's something like Twelfth, which after weeks of writing and thinking, I think I might have a real title for it. And there's the story I refer to as LM, which I'll be releasing to all the usual self-publishing places when the cover comes back to me, which will be as soon as I come up with a title. It's had four different titles. It's a frigging short story, for crying out loud. Then there's the novella I'm currently working on which had its title well before I set the first word down. How nice is that?

So, the actual title for Twelfth? "Worn Soles" -- but I still need a title for LM! I'm stuck between"The Grieving Mermaid" or "The Mermaid and the Landsman Prince" which kinda sounda a bit too romance novelly:

She was a mermaid, princess of a people who dwelled beneath the waves.

He was a landsman prince, scion of a seaside kingdom and sailor of the ocean's surface.

And one day, they meet, and must find an answer to the question: if a mermaid and a landsman fall in love, where do they make their home?


However, that's not what my story's about. In my story, he's a married guy, and she's kind of, um, crazy. And they don't get together. I actually LIKE the title "The Mermaid and the Landsman Prince" but it just doesn't work for my story. (bummer.)

But LM will be coming out soon. Maybe then I'll quit hyperventilating. And it'll probably be called "The Grieving Mermaid".

(But I still refer to "Worn Soles" as Twelfth.)

Beta Readers

I think that "beta" should be spelled "betta" and that my beta readers should become betta readers. This probably means that I'm easily amused. If I put a mirror in front of a betta reader, do they stop reading and start attacking their reflection? Perhaps they're better off as "beta" reader. Although it makes me wonder about alpha readers, and whether there are any omega readers, or anyone who are chi rho readers. 

I've been fortunate in my choice of first readers. They're astute, and wonderful, and aren't afraid to tell me off. Usually with big huge red pen marks, because that's the kind of awesome they are.

Hm, probably a good thing they aren't betta readers; hard to wield red pen underwater. But still, very pretty.